In Order to Find My Voice, I Had to Lose It.

(Finding God’s Purpose in Difficulty)

Today I had an epiphany.

Before I reveal this great discovery, I want to back up a little and share some of the things that brought me to this point. A year and a half ago we started dealing with the possibility that we wouldn’t be able to continue living and working where we were.

I was not the one to make the decision about where we lived and worked and I became very frustrated and even angry. For months, I woke up and cried because the situation was so far out of our control. I believed I didn’t have a voice because no one, not even God, was listening.  I prayed and sought God more than I ever had before. He showed me areas of sin in my life and I confessed them over and over, begging for strength just to get through each day.

The Big Picture: Or Lack Thereof

Little by little I could see the growth God was producing in my life but was always left with the impression that I could not see the big picture. I was able to confess and release the bitterness I felt, but I knew there was more for me than just that lesson. Even though I didn’t like my situation, I still did the very best I could to allow God to minister to others through me. But the big picture alluded me.

I bet you’re thinking that I can see the big picture now, right? Wrong. Our situation hasn’t changed. In fact, it looks worse than it did before. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.

A few months ago, I came down with a virus and completely lost my voice. My husband and mother-in-law called, and I had to hang up on them because I couldn’t say anything. It was pretty quiet around the house because my daughter had also gotten sick and had a bad sore throat. This quietness allowed me the opportunity to think.

I still can’t see the future. I have no idea what God is doing or what his big plan is for me. I can’t imagine the different ways he will use my story for his glory.

Purpose Found in Stillness

What I do know though is if he hadn’t allowed me to go through these trials where I figuratively and literally had no voice, I would not have stepped into the opportunity he has opened for me to pursue my love of writing, and minister to others through it. In order to find my voice, I had to lose it.  In order to discover a little better what God’s purpose is for me, I had to surrender, be quiet and trust him, even when everything within me wants to yell out and demand an answer.

“Be still and know that I am God.”  Psalm 46:10

I need to cease my striving and believe that God is working through me and on my behalf. His voice becomes my voice as I live my life in the truth of his word.

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